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Sunday, 26 October 2008

Ok, I realize I haven't blogged for over a year. Funny thing is though a lot has changed, it's all pretty much the same. Or maybe it isn't...I'm not sure. How's that for vague.

Quick wrap up:

I moved out to the desert with my father in July. I've been seeing a new guy, but am still in love with Dave. The feelings are different and not as intense, but I swear I love him still. ...And not just a little.
Things with my dad are pretty bad, he's been in very poor health and in and out of the hospitals and nursing homes since a week after we got here. They are now trying to save his other leg. He is depressed and depressing. He is angry at the world and taking it out on me. Mostly he takes it out on himself by eating things he shouldn't and not taking good care of himself. I have gained weight too, this past summer. It is now time to get serious about losing the pounds I gained during the summer and not letting my dad's heaviness make me take it into myself. Starting tomorrow, I'm getting more serious about working out and eating better.

I'll try to blog more too, I think it's good for my spirit.

More to come,
Kerri

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

This morning when I woke up, before I opened my eyes I just thought to myself...i want to have a good day, I'm tired of shitty days. I vowed or prayed or whatever that today good things would happen and good things would come out of my day.

later i forgot about this...

my day was nothing that unusual and there were still grumpy moments but my outlook was generally pretty positive-a few cool things happened but they were just small things that made me happy in small ways.

I was taking off my shoes after i worked out and thought, for no particular reason, "today was a good day" and then i remembered that moment before i opened my eyes and realized I MADE THAT HAPPEN. Just like in the Secret. wow. I have to remember to do that every day!!
wow its the end of september and im still having dave issues. when will i ever learn? more blogging later, i promise. argh i hate that it's so complex.

Tuesday, 03 April 2007

Ok so heres what went down this last weekend...

Dave and I have talked some on aim. We haven't got together for over a month.
We both missed each other. We decided to go see a movie--as friends.
Everything was good, we saw Blades of Glory (stupid but fun) He didn't do the inappropriate touching thing at all. Afterwards we went to a mexican restaurant to go eat. We both had a couple drinks...I can't say it wasn't the tiniest bit difficult, because I love him so deeply and had to really subvert my emotions on that front. Out of the blue, he says so what are you thinking about? Let's talk about "us". Well, I was pretty floored by that, cause it's not like him to do. I was evasive and didn't want to discuss it. It is a fairly raw wound and if I talk about it with him, I know I will start to cry and have a meltdown. Therefore, I said, c'mon Dave, you know how I feel, lets just leave it at that. He was like-really pushing me into that conversation and I got really panicky. He didn't let it go-I was like...finally...Well...you know I love you. What more do you want me to say? And he goes..."still?" I couldn't believe it. I was so stricken by this line of questioning and by his comments I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom.
When I got back, it felt like the good light mood that we had earlier was just GONE.
I tried to lighten it up, but the damage was done. The trap was set. My mind was going a million miles an hour and not in a good direction. I couldn't believe he said "still?" as if my deep feeling of love was so superficial that it would go away in a month or two??
Anyhow we headed home and the conversation in the car got worse and more painful for me. I really felt that he was inconsiderate in pushing me into a conversation that I wasn't ready to have with him. If we are trying to be friends-friends that don't have sex or cross any boundaries, it will take some time to grow comfortable with that new relationship. Some things should be avoided, such as physical intimacy and focusing on the past or relationship issues. I feel that he is insensitive but unaware of his insensitivity.

This has made me realize that emotionally he is CLEARLY nowhere near being ready for intimacy.

more stuff happened but I don't want to go into it right now. I'll spill it later.

Sunday, 18 March 2007

well its sunday, another week has passed. i was doing pretty good at being "over dave" until last saturday when we ran into each other. you gotta wonder what the universe has planned (either that, or why it's torturing me) i was glad to see him, but it made the next week incredibly hard, because once i see him, or spend time with him I ALWAYS want more. i knew that i'd run into him the day i looked the shittiest. maybe its murphys law -i felt that coming. i told him so too. he called me and left me a voicemail after we saw each other just to say "just wanted to call you to tell you that you DON'T look like shit". Great...do something sweet like that. PERFECT. See now, I'm thinking he's either a/fucking with me on purpose b/kinda wants me but still isn't ready or c/totally fucking clueless on how he affects others, me specifically. anyhow-we've talked some online and i actually drunk dialed him last night briefly. i decided i need to go cold turkey for a couple weeks. maybe go from there.
i want to find my soulmate-i want to draw that energy towards me. thats what i want more than anything, and thats what i'm going to get!! im excited and grateful for the love that is coming my way.